Track 10: Hm...

I guess basically I'm thinking and writing...I was doing some thinking yesternight and before I was doing my fucktastic essay for Latin American History I stumbled upon a poem I had written for a Michael Miller concert last year before I graduated from High Point and I felt proud that I got to at least perform a work of mine before I left even though it didn't win I didn't really care...It then led me to think "I hide myself behind my work" so as of write now I'm in the process of writing a brand new poem that made me drop every other one I'm working on because I felt inspired for two reason.

1.) I found my inspiration from reading my old works

AND

2.) Because of a certain guy...

No jokes right now...I was talking to a good friend of mine on AIM last night while I was working on my essay and I noticed that I mentioned this guy we both know a lot and I'm not gonna lie I noticed and I was just waiting for him to ask me about it and he finally asked me the one question I had coming but dreaded...."Do you love him?"....I wasn't offput by it so I didn't lie "No, more like lust" but in a way I can see it. They was a time where I wanted him but I knew I'd never have him. Which is why I hold a little resentment towards a former friend. I asked him one night and I was gonna be blunt "Why did she get to be with you? But I never got a chance?" He told me he was looking for a new path. Those weren't his exact words but that's how it is...I still don't understand it til this day but I've let it go. Ever time I think of him I think of Santana from American Me...and the talk between him and Julie (or Yolanda I dunno and don't give a fuck) outside after Little Puppet's wedding...

Montoya Santana: Whatever, you know.
Yolanda: You're like two people. One is like a kid. Doesn't know how to dance, doesn't know how to make love. That's the one I cared about. But the other one, the other one I hate. The one who knows, the one who has this wrapdown, who knows how to run drugs, who kills people!
Montoya Santana: I don't have to listen to this shit, alright? If you were a man, I'd...
Yolanda: You'd kill me! Oh no. No, you'd fuck me in the ass, right? Right?
Montoya Santana: I guess we got nothing to say to eachother.
Yolanda: You know when I met you, I was impressed. Yeah, you talked about La Raza and education and the revolution, but you know what man? You really don't care about any revolution, do you? You're nothing but a fucking dope dealer.
Montoya Santana: Just a road to where we're going, esa.
Yolanda: Bullshit.
Montoya Santana: Sabes que? I don't do drugs, I don't even like them, but they're there, and it's a reality. And if I don't take care of that business, somebody else will.
Yolanda: Yeah, well, your business kills kids, man! It kills kids! Like Neto and Pablito and, and Miko, my son, who look up to you! Man, they idolize the ground you walk on!
Montoya Santana: What the fuck do you want from me? Do you want me to start over, esa? Get a job? How about become a citizen?
Yolanda: There's no fucking hope... for our kids, for our barrios... with people like you around

He reminds me so much of him...I told him that the girl was only your illusion because he could never escape his torment. And now I remain loyal to him as a friend I sit there and listen to his hurt about his once love and even though it kills me a little inside I just fake a smile and give my words. I could care less what he does or who he does but when he starts to say some dumb shit that's when I get fuckin' pissed to the point when I would want to smack him. So I write this piece in dedication to you you pinche pendejo because without you I wouldn't have the character I've written and because you need more than you think you deserve.

So, I should really be thanking my friend I talked to last night because I would've kept this bottled up and without him I wouldn't have started a blog to let out this fustration. So thanks to you too.

I think after this one I may right one based off of ME descirbing all my characters...They're like my way to escape and be someone else...the people I'd always wanted to become but never could. So here's hoping....

So that's all I have to say and that's my song and I take my bow...

Mucho LuV

~HeadphonesLuV~